Saturday, December 22, 2007

songs i have been listening to a lot lately.

killer's creek/ mason jennings.

long way home/ tom waits.

between the bars/ elliott smith.

you remind me of home/ ben gibbard.

how low/ against me!

Saturday, October 27, 2007


exactly one year and several hours ago, i made, quite possibly, the best decision ever.

i met a really great boy, who became my very best friend instantly. we stayed up late talking pretty much every night, we hung out every day, and i was closer to him than i had ever been to a friend. i kind of thought he had a crush on me. to which all my other friends responded "duh."
i felt terrible, because i was interested in someone else, who wasn't really ever that nice to me. and my newfound best friend was always there when i felt sad.
one night, 27 october 2006, this friend of mine came to visit me at my dad's house. one of my friends had a crush on one of his friends, so we brought some people together to see if sparks could fly. my two friends were going to meet us somewhere, so to kill time the boys & i went to the coffee house nearby. we all laughed and drank and i sat there thinking "these boys are awesome. and look at him, he is my best friend!! i love him so much!" and i really did. at that moment, i was so in love with that boy.
eventually we met up with the girls, and it was decided to watch a movie at someone's house. because we are all mature high school students, and it was only october, the clear decision for a movie was elf. we all sat around in the tv room, and i sat next to the boy. he put his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. which, by the way, is still the most adorable thing he's ever done. and at that moment, i pulled out my phone and sent a text message to maddie, who was actually sitting in front of me.
"i think i want to kiss tom. "
"do it!! you guys are so cute & he likes you so much."
"i'll think about it."
pretty soon, it was time for the boys to go back home. they drove me back to my dad's house, and being the nicest boy in the world, tom walked me to the door. we stood looking at each other for a few seconds, and he said "well, have a good night."
"come here."
i stood on my toes, put my hands on his face, and totally laid one on him.
i stepped back.
smiling more, he said it again. "have a good night."
"you too." smooch. "night!"

the next several months consisted of one or the other of us not knowing if this is what we wanted, blah blah blah, let's complicate our lives more than necessary, blah blah.
but through all the stupidity and confusion, i loved him more every single day.
and he's remained my best friend.
eventually, the realization hit us both that we hate being apart, and that there couldn't be anyone in the world better suited for either of us.

and with that, i'm gonna go celebrate my anniversary.

Friday, October 26, 2007

top 5 things i love at this very moment.

this very moment being friday, 26 october, 2007, 8.35am.
(in no particular order.)

-cinnamon toast crunch.

-late start fridays.
(school starts at 9.30 instead of 7.30!)

-the feeling you get in your stomach when you're so excited for something.

-the way natasha pushes her head into my hand when i pet her.

-thomas. =]

Monday, October 15, 2007

purely psychosomatic.

this is what is currently on my mind:

-i wonder if it stings hulk hogan's nose when he bleaches his mustache.

-i really don't like eisley. but 'combinations' is the sweetest song ever.

-i'm starving.

this is what should be on my mind:



-no fun whatsoever.


in other news, i got a debit card today. look who's growing up & stuff.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

they say time heals everything,

but i'm still waiting.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

there will be days of peace.

i don't feel like writing a super long blog. but this is what is currently on my mind:

-i love the rain. it makes everything so much healthier, cleaner, and more peaceful. and i love the smell of rain on pavement. everything about rain is beautiful.

-i think the inventor of temporary tattoos is a terrible person. i don't know what led me to believe it would be a good idea to put one on today, but i have since come to my senses and can't seem to remove it, this metallic bulldog bearing the words 'hood hound'.
in my defense, it really was funny at the time. but now, seriously, gah.

-'i will be there when you die' (/my morning jacket) can make me cry within the first few notes. and i mean really cry. not the usual "aww this song is sad, sniffle sniff." but heaving shoulders, loud sobs, big gasps, wailing, red-faced, absolutely pathetic cry. the kind that should in theory only exist in very unhappy children, but in fact also resides in my heart when this song comes on. (i don't even know why, the lyrics aren't really that bad.) there are actually a few that do that to me these days. but this takes the cake, for now.

-but, also, 'when u love somebody' (/fruit bats) is one of the sweetest songs ever recorded.
"when you love somebody it's hard to think about anything but to breathe."
and ohh, how true that is.

i guess i have a lot of nothing on my mind.

Monday, September 03, 2007

i was the one worth leaving.

i hate when i don't know how to say what i want to say.
lately i've been listening to 'the district sleeps alone tonight' by the postal service.
(sorry i don't know how to link to songs.)
and lately it has a lot more meaning than it's had in the past.

basically, the song is about feeling out of place, like you don't belong where you always have.
and realizing that maybe everyone around you is moving on, and you're the one who can't.
like maybe things would be ok if you could accept that they're changing, but you're afraid because you don't know how they'll turn out. and you just want things to go back to the way they were. and you're sick of everything changing but you can't do anything about it. and you're really trying to be happy, but sometimes everything hits you at once and you break. and you should stop wallowing in self-pity all the time, but at this point you don't know how to fix yourself. nobody seems to understand how hard it is to not know where you're supposed to be, and you know where you want to be, and you can't figure out why you're not there if it's what makes you happy. nobody seems to understand why you have to get so scared and why you can't just deal with it. and you can't seem to tell everyone that you're trying as hard as you can to work everything out and it can be exhausting. and you just want everything and everyone to be ok, even if it means pretending that it already is, regardless of how much it hurts for a while.

i guess that's a lot of meaning to get out of a song. but that's what it said to me, anyway.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

20 questions!

i know. these are usually pretty stupid. but i do a lot of them, and i found this on my friend's blog, and the questions are actually kind of meaningful. so i figured, hey, i got nothin to do.
and it took me a good long time to think about these answers, so maybe read them. and fill them out yourself, if you're so inclined.

1. if you could sum your life in a metaphor what would it be?
-an elevator.

2. what is the last book that you read that stuck with you for a while after you read it?
-fight club. granted, i just finished it last week. but it certainly makes one think.

3. who is the last person you kissed and under what circumstances?
-the person was thomas. the circumstances were that he was going back to his house.
so i walked him to the door and we kissed outside. and as they have been from the start,
and as they will be forever, his kisses are perfect.

4. what are five songs that define your life right now?
-'thought i'd have learned'/ the band of annuals.
'speak easy'/ maria taylor.
'a minor incident'/badly drawn boy.
'when u love somebody'/ fruit bats.
'adrian'/ mason jennings.

5. do you believe in a higher deity?
-i really do. it's how i make sense of everything.

6. what is your favorite simpson's episode?
-oh goodness. i don't even remember the rest of the episode. but the beginning, where
bart is being stalked by this white dog....i practically pee my pants every time i see it.

7. truth: absolute or relative?
8. what do you see yourself doing in 5 years?
-making myself happy. whether it's with school, a job, a mission, or a wedding.
i want to be successful, or in the process of making myself successful, in life.
9. what are your thoughts on taking drugs?
-illegally? against it. i've seen it ruin lives that meant something to me.
legally, though, i'm all for it, if you have some control.

10. free will or determinism?
-i think both. obviously you choose what you do every day, but
i think there's something that sways you to choose one way or another.

11. can love be reduced/explained by brain chemistry and if so, does it matter?
-partially, maybe. i'm sure that has something to do with love, but in reality,
i think we don't know a thing about why love works like it does. it's something
that can't be seen or measured.

12. what is your favorite movie of all time?
-i won't lie. it's moulin rouge. i like the story, and the music.
and i like all the memories i have attatched to it.

13. what are your favourite 3 books?
-the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. about a boy.
harry potter and the chamber of secrets.

14. what are the top 5 shows you've ever been to and what was so great about them?
-keane. favorite band, amazing performance.
of montreal. i went with my brother, and we had pure unadulterated fun.
the futureheads. those boys can dance.
maria taylor. she's a great performer, and tom sang to me too. =]
ben kweller. first concert. he sang 'happy happy joy joy' to me. seriously.

15. if you had to choose one, would you describeyourself as an optimist or a pessimist?
-i'd like to think optimist. i generally lean towards pessimism, but i think in the end,
i try to find the good in things.

16. what does 4 a.m. feel like to you?
-terrible. 4 a.m. is meant for sleeping. peaceful, comfortable sleep.

17. are you happy?
-yes. not 100%. but i am happy. i have nice things, amazing family, wonderful friends.
and the most amazing boy in the world. my life isn't perfect. but it's quite lovely.

18. did you have any dreams last night and if so, describe one:
-last night? i don't remember. i've been having some crappy ones lately, though. =[

19. how do you feel about geriatric euthanasia?
-honestly? i'm for it, if they're for it. if someone is in such pain, and are at an age
where nothing can really be done for them, they should have the chance to end it peacefully, rather than waiting for death. i think it can be calming for the family to know that the person they cared about had control over their suffering, and was able to go when they were ready.

20. what are you afraid of?
-spiders. airplanes. failure. rejection. math. horses. heartbreak.
things that i've dealt with that hurt too much to go through again.


i think when you find someone who will sit on the bathroom floor with you
when you think you're gonna puke, you've probably found the one.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

everything looks perfect.

i love sundays. i don't quite know why. maybe it's because from the time i was little i've been told that 'sunday is a special day.' or maybe it's because sunday is the day in the week when i literally let loose and eat an obscene amount of food. whatever it is, i just enjoy sundays.
so, i decided to compile a list of a few other things that i just love.
[in no particular order]

-cuddling. whether it's with a sleeping kitty or a sleepy boy, there's nothing like holding someone who loves you, who needs you, & who wants to be near you. bonus points if it's cold & they are warm.

-songs with a really good intro. you know what i'm talking about. a song that gets you within the first few seconds. and if you don't know what i'm talking about, i recommend listening to 'killer's creek' by mason jennings.
also, 'such great heights', which remains to be perhaps my favorite song ever. those first few beats put me at absolute peace with the world, and remind me of everything that will always make me happy.

-laughing. of any kind. i love to laugh so hard that i can't breathe, and then i snort, which makes everyone else laugh, so i laugh even harder. but i also love every variety of laughing; giggling, out loud, so hard you cry, etc. which is funny, because to be honest, i rarely really laugh. and then when i think about it, i practically hyperventilate, worrying that i'll never think something is funny again. but then i see or hear something and i'm in stitches for a good 15 minutes longer than everyone else.

-grapes. sort of random, i know. but i'm sitting here with a bowl of grapes in my lap and they are so delicious. and they're a happy little fruit. it's like they're telling me "yeah, we're totally healthy, and we're not gonna make you sick if you eat too many. so go crazy." although i have eaten almost this whole bowl, so maybe i should ease up.

-kissing. yep. i'm saying it for all the world (or all the 4 people who read my blog). i love kissing. but i've never been able to understand why some people like to kiss so many different people. i guess because the thing i love most about smoochin' is the familiarity. there's something reassuring & comfortable about knowing that the person i've been kissing is the person i will be kissing probably forever, and there's no getting used to anything. i know how it goes. he knows how it goes. and it's lovely.

i realize this is all a random bunch of things. and there are obviously more than 5 things that i love unconditionally. but these were just some on my mind. i think i'll make more lists of various things. because there's another thing i love, making lists. so get used to it. =]

Sunday, June 24, 2007

the tummy theory.

when i am feeling low, i have many remedies. usually depending on the severity of my case. i talk to friends, i listen to good music, that sort of thing. and all of these things help, quite a bit. but there is one thing that will cure any ailment.

i have what i call a healthy and what others call a creepy relationship with my cat. you all know this. there is a lot of love between us. granted, i often want to throw her out a window when she rips up paper and spreads it around my room, or when she whines at the door for food, only for me to walk through the entire house and find her bowl full. but most of the time, it's one big snugglefest.
her tongue is rough, but she licks the tears off my face.
her claws are sharp, but when her little paws are pressed on my feet when we sleep at night, i know it's love.
and this is why few things, if anything, can lift my spirits like
laying next to my kitty and burying my face into her tummy.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

sweet sixteen.

the difference between fifteen and sixteen is huge. which is weird, because most of my friends turned sixteen way before me, and it wasn't a big deal. i never felt inferior or anything. (not true: any time i have to hitch a ride from one of my friends with a car, i feel like a complete idiot.)
and every friend who turned sixteen before me never seemed different than they did the day before, when they were still fifteen. even molly ringwald didn't seem any different in sixteen candles.
i think it's more of an internal change. sixteen is when you really start to feel like an adult. obviously you're still living at home, and your elders still make a lot of your decisions. but there's so much more freedom and responsibility.
and i don't even think that's why i feel so different. at fifteen, i had a pretty good idea of who i was. the clothes i liked to wear, the music on my ipod (which reminds me, today is also my one year anniversary of having an ipod.), the people i wanted to be around. but now, at sixteen, everything just seems to fall into place. i definitely know what my style is. i know who my friends are, and whose influence/opinion matters to me. i guess....i don't know. this feels like a whole new chapter of my life, and i'm pretty sure it's going to be awesome.

Friday, April 20, 2007

oh, it is love.

hello sick day.
i realized something. there are few connections in my life stronger than the one i have with my cat, natasha. that sounds ridiculous. and i actually am quite close with a lot of people. but my relationship with natasha is different than what other people share with their pets.
natasha and i have been together a long time. about 6 years now. she has seen me through every breakdown and the times when i'm happiest. and all she knows is that she is mine. i'm the one who feeds her, who plays with her, who talks babytalk to her (much to the irritation of those around me). and so with me is where her loyalties lie. she sleeps on my bed with me, usually near my face so she can nuzzle my cheek with her nose. she sits on my lap when there are people around. she comes when i call her. she is always by my side.
this morning, for example. i am pretty sure i was about to pass out from stomach pains. so i didn't go to school. instead i've been laying in bed whining. but there was natasha, curled up next to me, occasionally looking at me and licking my nose.
she licks tears off my face when i cry for any reason at all.
she misses me when i'm away.
and she loves me. no matter what. and sure, the only reason for that is probably because it's me who feeds her. but i don't care. the fact is, for whatever reasons, it is, in fact, love. and true love lasts a lifetime. =]

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

tiny avalanches.

sometimes a person says something that they just thought was the right thing to say. nothing epic, just a simple response to whatever you said. but in those few words, you can't help but just smile. they didn't say anything that will change your life. they didn't say something that fixes every problem you've ever had. all they did, was say something simple and sincere. it's just the fact that someone cares enough to say anything at all.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

everybody hurts.

i love to see strangers cry. that sounds weird. and i guess it is. but i have good reasoning.

there are some days when i feel empty, lost, alone, exhausted, etc. i see people at school or in cars or in the grocery story and wonder if they know i'm going to go home and cry in my bathroom. and i wonder if that's what they're about to do too.

everybody has crappy days. and for the most part, everyone has their own group who know about the bad days. but as far as the rest of the world goes, nobody knows about the breakdowns, the times when nothing goes right, the times when we can't help but collapse into a friend's arms and cry. and it's times like that when it can't be possible that anyone in the world feels as bad as you.

and that's why i love to see strangers cry. i see countless people every day. some with regularity, but generally there are always new faces. i don't know anything about them. i doubt they know anything about me either. but we all have things to deal with. we all have people to stand by us. so when i see someone cry at school, on the street, the airport, etc., i think about what their problem is, who's helping them through, and how wrapped up in everything they are that they don't see the strangers watching sympathetically, wondering if they should help.

basically, when i see strangers cry, it pulls me out of the feeling that i'm alone, or that anybody is ever really alone. everyone around has their own bag of issues. everyone breaks down. everyone cries. everyone hurts. i wonder if everyone thought about what the people around them go through, if we would all hurt a little less.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

office space, anyone?

pretty sure it really happened.

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Saturday, March 03, 2007

soul mates.

i always thought of a soul mate as the person you are going to marry.
it makes sense. but maybe the whole 'one person for everyone' isn't just about marriage.
this is the part where i sound like an idiot for not remembering, but i thiiiiiiiiink it was
aristotle? socrates? crap. i can't think. anyway, it was one of those fellas who said that
you're born with half of your heart. and somebody else has the other half. so there is
one person out there who can complete your soul. and i've always loved that. it's so nice.
but i always thought about it as "there is one boy out there who i will grow up and marry
and he's going to be the only person in the whole wide world for me" and this is probably true.
but what if that's not what aristocrates meant by someone having half of your heart.
case in point? my best friend thomas.
this boy completes my soul. he is the one who makes me whole,
who makes me happy, who makes me everything i want to be.
there is no one who will compare to him.
does that mean he's the one i will grow up and marry? i sure don't know.
but it does mean that he's the one i'll always want around.
no matter how my life plays out, he's the one i need to make sense of it all.
he has my heart. and whoever comes in and out of my life, he's the one who completes me.
ily, tom. bff. =]