vibes and stuff

school starts up in a month & i'm really not ready. like..at all.
i'm signed up for 2 classes that i don't even need, but the ones i needed are full. i have to officially change my major. i have to take a lot of math. i don't like school.
on top of that i have to move out of one parent's house and into the other's. which i'm excited for of course, but moving is also a chore and i realized i have a lot of stuff and clothes and things and a cat.
but here is where i am really losing it:
i miss my missionary tom.
but i also miss my ex boyfriend cory.
and i miss my best friend jimmy.
who is partially responsible for making cory my ex.
and cory is partially responsible for making jimmy not hang out with me.
did i mention i miss tom?
i don't say this very often because i generally prefer the company
of gentlemen over ladies. but. boys are so dumb.

my first child

on july 14 2008, i was a much different person than i am on july 14 2009.
i was about 20 pounds smaller and had just gotten the cast on my broken wrist replaced, much to my dismay. despite my injury i was enjoying spending the summer with tom, getting ready for my senior year, and awaiting the arrival of morgan.
morgan.
on july 14 2008, morgan wasn't here yet. but i already felt a bond with him. i felt him kick when he was still in tasha's belly and i loaned my surround sound headphones to his parents to make sure he would come into this world listening to the good stuff. i had never really been around babies a lot but i knew i liked them and i was definitely excited for this one to get here.
i don't like to get church-y on the blog (or really ever) but a few weeks prior to morgan's birth my dad had given me a blessing to try to help me out with some back to school anxiety (among other things). and in it he mentioned a connection that i would have with this new baby, and from that moment on i did feel a little bit like he was just my little guy.
throughout this past year i've felt like i had a lot more downs than ups. it was a little harder than i anticipated to say goodbye to tom, school provided more stress and challenges than i was prepared for, and it's been difficult for me to connect with people. but since his first day, morgan has made me happy. i can always make him smile, he lets me feed him and hold him even when his parents are around, he stops fussing when i sing to him, and he is always excited to see me. even people who don't know me very well (but especially those who do) tell me how obvious it is that i'm crazy about that little boy.
he was my first nephew and the first baby on either side of the family. everybody was already excited for him to come into the world, but i don't think any of us knew just how much we were missing before he came around.
so what i'm trying to say, is that morgan was one of the best things to ever happen to me. and probably his parents. and this first year watching him grow and learn and turn into the sweet little person he already is has been pretty amazing. and i'm so excited for every year to come.

nasty.

sometimes i'm embarrassed for what other people do.

just curious..

i can't help but wonder how gerard butler can go from doing movies like this..

and this..

and then be in movies like these.

problems.

i get stressed out when boys smell girls' hair on tv and think it's all romantic.
because if a boy did that to me in real life, he would be grossed out.
i never wash my hair.

a cause des garcons

this is my brother logan pretending to murder me at thanksgiving this past year.


this is my brother christopher trying to make me eat a ring pop at easter dinner on sunday.

i can't imagine a life without brothers.

pink moon.

weird stuff has been happening lately. i wondered if there was a full moon and sure enough tonight there is.

today at work an old guy came behind my register (which customers really aren't supposed to do), completely invading my very non-negotiable personal space, to throw away an ink cartridge. then he leaned towards me and said "the place blows up in 5 minutes, get outta here." and then he left!
sometimes i really do feel like i'm taking crazy pills.

well it's true.

the naming of things.

it's officially valentine's day. i think it's kind of a silly holiday, because love is not just for lovers. now we all know that if tom were here i would likely be singing a different tune, but this year on valentine's day i'm thinking of the other things i love. granted, i still love this guy:

but i also love my friends who have been so supportive and understand through a pretty rough patch:


and i love my family, and would rather hang out with them than just about anyone in the world:
particularly i love my nephew, who cries when i leave the room and smiles when i sing to him and who has more good in his little soul than anybody i've ever known:
and i love riding my bicycle. i don't do it as much as i should or as i would like, but i do so enjoy a good bike ride:
and i love my cameras. there aren't many things that i love as much as photography. i feel confident and happy when i'm taking pictures and i don't think i will ever have too many cameras..
i know it's just a little handful of things..but it's those little things that get everyone through the day anyway. i miss tom so much i can barely function sometimes, but i as far as having a heart completely full of love goes, i think i'm doing alright.

why i love the internet.

because you can find videos of zach condon in paris at night singing a grizzly bear song.

it's your birthday, darling.

today is emily's birthday. even if she wasn't my sister, emily would probably still be one of my favorite people in the world.
she's smart and creative and makes funny jokes and always dances in the car.
she's just about the coolest sister ever (tied with katie, of course), and i'm going to let the whoooole blogosphere know that i love emily more than pretty much anyone.
happy birthday poopface!

so this is the new year.

smell you later 2008. you brought me an amazzzzing nephew but then you sent my boyfriend to the other side of the world. you started my senior year of high school and you took care to make sure it sucked thus far. you brought me a lovely sister in law. you got me my first grown up-ish job. you started and ruined some friendships. you sent me to california with thomas and you broke my wrist. you dyed my hair black. you made a lot of mistakes.
hello 2009. you introduced yourself on thursday and promised to finish out this school year much better than 2008 started it. you said you'll move me into my first place and start me out in college. your beginning brings me closer to seeing tom again. you are about to give me nephew #2. i have a good feeling about you.

you are my pearl.

dear morgan:
you are not even 5 months old and already you make people around you happier than you even know.

let's get some shoes.

this is enough to make anyone's day:

4 new, comfy pairs of shoes. plus the original but kinda thrashed pink guys.

sure did

just buy 5 pairs of these in 5 different colors.

decent days and nights.

if you're ever curious why i love my family so much, it's largely because of things like this:

obamawesome.

i'm pretty happy with the result of the election.
blah blah blah nobody wants to read another blog about politics blah blah blah i'm too young to know anything anyway. whatever.
emily and my dad said it more eloquently and from both sides of the spectrum anyway.

my boys.

this is how my ride up to kaysville with my brothers started.
then they got hold of my camera and the rest of my roll of film looked like this:






i can't imagine growing up without these boys around.

one month down. 23 to go.

the meandhim is a foreign thing to me.

i never before loved anyone the way that i love him
before him, love was always right from the start,
more of a determination -- i'm going to love this person
so i do.
and it would ebb and flow
up and down
but at a steady, calm pace.

then, it would shrink
and shrivel.

with him though
it's an ascent.
to more.
slowly at first
gradually at first
unsure
happy, but carelessly unsure

but then there became more and more trust each time i held his hand
my hand seemed to fit more surely into his

my hand resting more surely on his chest
feeling for his heartbeat

desperately grasping at first
listening with my palm.


now
with him
love is different

once my hand got comfortable--
accustomed to his rhythmic beat
the contractions

the inhales and exhales of his heart--
the slow-paced steadiness i'd always known vanished.

the love doubled.
it tripled on itself.

like running up a hill--
my legs burn
i'm out of breath

my heart won't slow
the atriums and ventricles expand
and expand

i can't see the top of the hill
of our ascent
and i don't even care to look.
maybe there isn't a top

(my cynicism melts to hope)

i keep running up
faster and faster
i love him more with each leap

and keep drinking the more.
he gives me the more
i keep letting it expand and pulse


i don't need to understand the meandhim.
it is foreign.

the meandhim just is.
and it's right.

8 full hours of sleep.

i have been super sad lately. last night it all sort of got to me and i declared myself unfit for school today. this worked out nicely because not only was my little burrito morgan coming for the day but so was logan! so my day has looked mostly like this:and this:
so even though i have to work in an hour and i'm still stressed about pretty much everything, i'd say missing school was totally worth it.