boring.

i am a super boring person. this is something i've discovered recently and i'm even so boring that i've just accepted the fact rather than tried to change it. but i've also discovered that i can make myself sound sort of interesting.
but here is proof that i really am a little bit of a snoozefest.
(i found this on my cousin's blog. one of those "fill it out and send it around" things. i had to indulge.)

JOYS:
1. doing laundry.
2. playing dominoes.
3. snow.

FEARS:
1. spiders.
2. horses.
3. failure.

GOALS:
1. lotoja.
2. grow my bit of long hair so i can braid it.
3. clean my room.

COLLECTIONS/OBSESSIONS:
1. cameras.
2. cats.
3. fabian cancellara.
i'll let you guess what i collect and what's an obsession.

RANDOM FACTS:
1. one side of my ribcage has an extra bit. i call it crazy rib.
2. i have a cousin on my dad's side that i didn't know about.
3. my boyfriend and i have 10 cameras between us and only 2
of them are digital.

recipe for a bad mood.

take 1 pair of earbuds and let your cat eat them.
take your replacement pair and lose them.

take your new camera and forget where you put it.

have cat puke on your floor.

accidentally use warm water when you brush your teeth.


you'll be fuming in no time.

distance makes the heart grow fond.

come september, my heart will live here:

(vina del mar, chile)

but the rest of me has to stay here:
(salt lake valley)

update.

this is my broken wrist. i fell off my bike.
art cred goes to tom.










this is my kitty. we hang out a lot.


















this is a really unflattering picture of tom & me.










this is why i love living in utah.












this is the first nishiki bike besides my own that i have ever seen.













this is why i like riding the train.


now back to my hiatus.

titles are dumb sometimes.

i've been kind of avoiding writing anything because i don't have much to say. but i was reading my sister katie's blog and she said perfectly how i feel:

"It's a strange feeling when you read your own words and it doesn't seem like you even know the person who wrote them... I was disappointed at how normal I used to sound and how mopey I have been as of late."

i know how that goes.

hit me baby one more time.

my sister emily posted a blog recently with her top 25 (narrowed down to 10, actually) most played songs on itunes. so i took a look at mine:

1. those anarcho punks are mysterious/ against me! (27)
2. carolina/ ben gibbard (26)
3. sunshine/ g. love & special sauce (25)
4. new slang/ the shins (22)
5. between the bars/ metric (18)
6. candy shop/ andrew bird's bowl of fire (15)
7. pints of guinness make you strong/ against me! (14)
8. thrash unreal/ against me! (14)
9. heretics/ andrew bird (14)
10. frontier psychiatrist/ the avalanches (14)

to clarify, there are only 554 songs currently in the library, and probably 50 of them are my mom's christmas albums.
that means i only listen to about 504.
anyway, i'm always looking for something new to listen to, so i'm officially open for suggestions.

the science of sleep, round two.

woodrow wilson had a sheep named old ike who chewed tobacco.
i didn't think sheep liked tobacco.

i think my sleeping habits are split evenly between those of a 5 and 85 year old.
some nights i want to stay up soooo late, just to see how long i can go. but by around 11.30, i'm pooped and i give up.
and some nights i crawl into bed around 9.00 and even though i'm still tired the next morning (because you can sleep for days on end as a high school student but you are perpetually sleepy.), i am the envy of all my friends.
the older you get, the cooler it is to go to bed early.
("man, i fell asleep at 8 last night!" "no way! i'm so jealous.")
to be honest, i hate staying up late. somehow i manage to do it almost every night, just hanging around. sort of doing homework. constantly eying my bed. i'm not even doing anything useful.
so here i am, 11.26 pm. the 5 year old in me says "come oooon!! let's stay up all night. it'll be so much fun. fun fun fun." (but these days fun is actually replaced by homework.) the 85 year old says "go to bed, you. and drink lots of milk because we don't want osteoporosis."
i guess tonight i'll listen to the 85 year old because the 5 year old is getting bored and sleepy too.
(however, now i've been thinking, maybe i am just an 85 year old at heart. i have the 'crazy cat lady' thing down, i wear old people shoes, and i don't especially like loud noises. but this is a thought for another day.)
and now 20 minutes later, i'm definitely going to listen to old lady elizabeth.
i'm hoping next time i stay up late i do something even remotely productive.

what do you got if you ain't got love?

some things i love.

-my cameras. it's like having very tidy, very quiet children who do nothing but make art (science: take note). every one of them is different, but each is quite spectacular in its own way. i think photography is 15% talent, 10% camera, and 75% camera-photographer relationship. seriously.

-when my mom puts marshmallows in hot chocolate. it's not that i enjoy the actual marshmallows so much as i enjoy that she still thinks to put them in, because in my single-digit years i regarded mallow-less hot chocolate as pointless. i think i developed this trait from my brother. anyway, it's nice to know little things like that never change.

-sleeping with a heating pad. no, seriously. thanks to the worst stomach ache in the history of the world, i fell asleep with a self-timing heating pad that turns itself off before setting the bed afire. while the tummy ache lasted all of a half hour, the heating pad is still in my bed. mainly because it keeps my whole bed warm, but it also keeps my cat in bed all night, which adds even more heat into the equation. i now sleep in a sort of elizabeth sandwich, in which (hahah.) i sleep on the heating pad and the snuggly, furry cat sleeps on me. you wouldn't believe how comfortable it is. it's no wonder i'm late to school every day.

-'if you ain't got love'/ mason jennings.
i really wish i knew how to link to songs. because,
this is daaaaaarling.

finally, i love that it's 10.30 and i get to go to bed because i have my homework done. mostly. like 90% of it.
hey. it's a start.

songs i have been listening to a lot lately.

killer's creek/ mason jennings.


long way home/ tom waits.


between the bars/ elliott smith.


you remind me of home/ ben gibbard.


how low/ against me!

flashback.

exactly one year and several hours ago, i made, quite possibly, the best decision ever.

i met a really great boy, who became my very best friend instantly. we stayed up late talking pretty much every night, we hung out every day, and i was closer to him than i had ever been to a friend. i kind of thought he had a crush on me. to which all my other friends responded "duh."
i felt terrible, because i was interested in someone else, who wasn't really ever that nice to me. and my newfound best friend was always there when i felt sad.
one night, 27 october 2006, this friend of mine came to visit me at my dad's house. one of my friends had a crush on one of his friends, so we brought some people together to see if sparks could fly. my two friends were going to meet us somewhere, so to kill time the boys & i went to the coffee house nearby. we all laughed and drank and i sat there thinking "these boys are awesome. and look at him, he is my best friend!! i love him so much!" and i really did. at that moment, i was so in love with that boy.
eventually we met up with the girls, and it was decided to watch a movie at someone's house. because we are all mature high school students, and it was only october, the clear decision for a movie was elf. we all sat around in the tv room, and i sat next to the boy. he put his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. which, by the way, is still the most adorable thing he's ever done. and at that moment, i pulled out my phone and sent a text message to maddie, who was actually sitting in front of me.
"i think i want to kiss tom. "
"do it!! you guys are so cute & he likes you so much."
"i'll think about it."
pretty soon, it was time for the boys to go back home. they drove me back to my dad's house, and being the nicest boy in the world, tom walked me to the door. we stood looking at each other for a few seconds, and he said "well, have a good night."
"come here."
i stood on my toes, put my hands on his face, and totally laid one on him.
i stepped back.
smiling more, he said it again. "have a good night."
"you too." smooch. "night!"

the next several months consisted of one or the other of us not knowing if this is what we wanted, blah blah blah, let's complicate our lives more than necessary, blah blah.
but through all the stupidity and confusion, i loved him more every single day.
and he's remained my best friend.
eventually, the realization hit us both that we hate being apart, and that there couldn't be anyone in the world better suited for either of us.

and with that, i'm gonna go celebrate my anniversary.

top 5 things i love at this very moment.

this very moment being friday, 26 october, 2007, 8.35am.
(in no particular order.)

-cinnamon toast crunch.

-late start fridays.
(school starts at 9.30 instead of 7.30!)

-the feeling you get in your stomach when you're so excited for something.

-the way natasha pushes her head into my hand when i pet her.

-thomas. =]

purely psychosomatic.

this is what is currently on my mind:

-i wonder if it stings hulk hogan's nose when he bleaches his mustache.

-i really don't like eisley. but 'combinations' is the sweetest song ever.

-i'm starving.

this is what should be on my mind:

-homework.

-homework.

-no fun whatsoever.

-homework.


in other news, i got a debit card today. look who's growing up & stuff.

they say time heals everything,

but i'm still waiting.

there will be days of peace.

i don't feel like writing a super long blog. but this is what is currently on my mind:

-i love the rain. it makes everything so much healthier, cleaner, and more peaceful. and i love the smell of rain on pavement. everything about rain is beautiful.

-i think the inventor of temporary tattoos is a terrible person. i don't know what led me to believe it would be a good idea to put one on today, but i have since come to my senses and can't seem to remove it, this metallic bulldog bearing the words 'hood hound'.
in my defense, it really was funny at the time. but now, seriously, gah.

-'i will be there when you die' (/my morning jacket) can make me cry within the first few notes. and i mean really cry. not the usual "aww this song is sad, sniffle sniff." but heaving shoulders, loud sobs, big gasps, wailing, red-faced, absolutely pathetic cry. the kind that should in theory only exist in very unhappy children, but in fact also resides in my heart when this song comes on. (i don't even know why, the lyrics aren't really that bad.) there are actually a few that do that to me these days. but this takes the cake, for now.

-but, also, 'when u love somebody' (/fruit bats) is one of the sweetest songs ever recorded.
"when you love somebody it's hard to think about anything but to breathe."
and ohh, how true that is.

i guess i have a lot of nothing on my mind.

i was the one worth leaving.

i hate when i don't know how to say what i want to say.
lately i've been listening to 'the district sleeps alone tonight' by the postal service.
(sorry i don't know how to link to songs.)
and lately it has a lot more meaning than it's had in the past.

basically, the song is about feeling out of place, like you don't belong where you always have.
and realizing that maybe everyone around you is moving on, and you're the one who can't.
like maybe things would be ok if you could accept that they're changing, but you're afraid because you don't know how they'll turn out. and you just want things to go back to the way they were. and you're sick of everything changing but you can't do anything about it. and you're really trying to be happy, but sometimes everything hits you at once and you break. and you should stop wallowing in self-pity all the time, but at this point you don't know how to fix yourself. nobody seems to understand how hard it is to not know where you're supposed to be, and you know where you want to be, and you can't figure out why you're not there if it's what makes you happy. nobody seems to understand why you have to get so scared and why you can't just deal with it. and you can't seem to tell everyone that you're trying as hard as you can to work everything out and it can be exhausting. and you just want everything and everyone to be ok, even if it means pretending that it already is, regardless of how much it hurts for a while.

i guess that's a lot of meaning to get out of a song. but that's what it said to me, anyway.

20 questions!

i know. these are usually pretty stupid. but i do a lot of them, and i found this on my friend's blog, and the questions are actually kind of meaningful. so i figured, hey, i got nothin to do.
and it took me a good long time to think about these answers, so maybe read them. and fill them out yourself, if you're so inclined.


1. if you could sum your life in a metaphor what would it be?
-an elevator.

2. what is the last book that you read that stuck with you for a while after you read it?
-fight club. granted, i just finished it last week. but it certainly makes one think.

3. who is the last person you kissed and under what circumstances?
-the person was thomas. the circumstances were that he was going back to his house.
so i walked him to the door and we kissed outside. and as they have been from the start,
and as they will be forever, his kisses are perfect.

4. what are five songs that define your life right now?
-'thought i'd have learned'/ the band of annuals.
'speak easy'/ maria taylor.
'a minor incident'/badly drawn boy.
'when u love somebody'/ fruit bats.
'adrian'/ mason jennings.

5. do you believe in a higher deity?
-i really do. it's how i make sense of everything.

6. what is your favorite simpson's episode?
-oh goodness. i don't even remember the rest of the episode. but the beginning, where
bart is being stalked by this white dog....i practically pee my pants every time i see it.

7. truth: absolute or relative?
-absolute.
8. what do you see yourself doing in 5 years?
-making myself happy. whether it's with school, a job, a mission, or a wedding.
i want to be successful, or in the process of making myself successful, in life.
9. what are your thoughts on taking drugs?
-illegally? against it. i've seen it ruin lives that meant something to me.
legally, though, i'm all for it, if you have some control.

10. free will or determinism?
-i think both. obviously you choose what you do every day, but
i think there's something that sways you to choose one way or another.

11. can love be reduced/explained by brain chemistry and if so, does it matter?
-partially, maybe. i'm sure that has something to do with love, but in reality,
i think we don't know a thing about why love works like it does. it's something
that can't be seen or measured.

12. what is your favorite movie of all time?
-i won't lie. it's moulin rouge. i like the story, and the music.
and i like all the memories i have attatched to it.

13. what are your favourite 3 books?
-the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. about a boy.
harry potter and the chamber of secrets.

14. what are the top 5 shows you've ever been to and what was so great about them?
-keane. favorite band, amazing performance.
of montreal. i went with my brother, and we had pure unadulterated fun.
the futureheads. those boys can dance.
maria taylor. she's a great performer, and tom sang to me too. =]
ben kweller. first concert. he sang 'happy happy joy joy' to me. seriously.

15. if you had to choose one, would you describeyourself as an optimist or a pessimist?
-i'd like to think optimist. i generally lean towards pessimism, but i think in the end,
i try to find the good in things.

16. what does 4 a.m. feel like to you?
-terrible. 4 a.m. is meant for sleeping. peaceful, comfortable sleep.

17. are you happy?
-yes. not 100%. but i am happy. i have nice things, amazing family, wonderful friends.
and the most amazing boy in the world. my life isn't perfect. but it's quite lovely.

18. did you have any dreams last night and if so, describe one:
-last night? i don't remember. i've been having some crappy ones lately, though. =[

19. how do you feel about geriatric euthanasia?
-honestly? i'm for it, if they're for it. if someone is in such pain, and are at an age
where nothing can really be done for them, they should have the chance to end it peacefully, rather than waiting for death. i think it can be calming for the family to know that the person they cared about had control over their suffering, and was able to go when they were ready.

20. what are you afraid of?
-spiders. airplanes. failure. rejection. math. horses. heartbreak.
things that i've dealt with that hurt too much to go through again.

yussssssssssss.

i think when you find someone who will sit on the bathroom floor with you
when you think you're gonna puke, you've probably found the one.

everything looks perfect.

i love sundays. i don't quite know why. maybe it's because from the time i was little i've been told that 'sunday is a special day.' or maybe it's because sunday is the day in the week when i literally let loose and eat an obscene amount of food. whatever it is, i just enjoy sundays.
so, i decided to compile a list of a few other things that i just love.
[in no particular order]

-cuddling. whether it's with a sleeping kitty or a sleepy boy, there's nothing like holding someone who loves you, who needs you, & who wants to be near you. bonus points if it's cold & they are warm.

-songs with a really good intro. you know what i'm talking about. a song that gets you within the first few seconds. and if you don't know what i'm talking about, i recommend listening to 'killer's creek' by mason jennings.
also, 'such great heights', which remains to be perhaps my favorite song ever. those first few beats put me at absolute peace with the world, and remind me of everything that will always make me happy.

-laughing. of any kind. i love to laugh so hard that i can't breathe, and then i snort, which makes everyone else laugh, so i laugh even harder. but i also love every variety of laughing; giggling, out loud, so hard you cry, etc. which is funny, because to be honest, i rarely really laugh. and then when i think about it, i practically hyperventilate, worrying that i'll never think something is funny again. but then i see or hear something and i'm in stitches for a good 15 minutes longer than everyone else.

-grapes. sort of random, i know. but i'm sitting here with a bowl of grapes in my lap and they are so delicious. and they're a happy little fruit. it's like they're telling me "yeah, we're totally healthy, and we're not gonna make you sick if you eat too many. so go crazy." although i have eaten almost this whole bowl, so maybe i should ease up.

-kissing. yep. i'm saying it for all the world (or all the 4 people who read my blog). i love kissing. but i've never been able to understand why some people like to kiss so many different people. i guess because the thing i love most about smoochin' is the familiarity. there's something reassuring & comfortable about knowing that the person i've been kissing is the person i will be kissing probably forever, and there's no getting used to anything. i know how it goes. he knows how it goes. and it's lovely.

i realize this is all a random bunch of things. and there are obviously more than 5 things that i love unconditionally. but these were just some on my mind. i think i'll make more lists of various things. because there's another thing i love, making lists. so get used to it. =]

the tummy theory.

when i am feeling low, i have many remedies. usually depending on the severity of my case. i talk to friends, i listen to good music, that sort of thing. and all of these things help, quite a bit. but there is one thing that will cure any ailment.

i have what i call a healthy and what others call a creepy relationship with my cat. you all know this. there is a lot of love between us. granted, i often want to throw her out a window when she rips up paper and spreads it around my room, or when she whines at the door for food, only for me to walk through the entire house and find her bowl full. but most of the time, it's one big snugglefest.
her tongue is rough, but she licks the tears off my face.
her claws are sharp, but when her little paws are pressed on my feet when we sleep at night, i know it's love.
and this is why few things, if anything, can lift my spirits like
laying next to my kitty and burying my face into her tummy.

sweet sixteen.

the difference between fifteen and sixteen is huge. which is weird, because most of my friends turned sixteen way before me, and it wasn't a big deal. i never felt inferior or anything. (not true: any time i have to hitch a ride from one of my friends with a car, i feel like a complete idiot.)
and every friend who turned sixteen before me never seemed different than they did the day before, when they were still fifteen. even molly ringwald didn't seem any different in sixteen candles.
i think it's more of an internal change. sixteen is when you really start to feel like an adult. obviously you're still living at home, and your elders still make a lot of your decisions. but there's so much more freedom and responsibility.
and i don't even think that's why i feel so different. at fifteen, i had a pretty good idea of who i was. the clothes i liked to wear, the music on my ipod (which reminds me, today is also my one year anniversary of having an ipod.), the people i wanted to be around. but now, at sixteen, everything just seems to fall into place. i definitely know what my style is. i know who my friends are, and whose influence/opinion matters to me. i guess....i don't know. this feels like a whole new chapter of my life, and i'm pretty sure it's going to be awesome.