the baby cliff's blog.

moving

2009-12-18T17:40:00.000-08:00

new blog.

too much effort to redo this whole one.
promise the new one will be way cooler.

yesterday is here

2009-12-10T09:02:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wish technology had lived up to what hollywood in the 80's predicted.

because that way, like in pretty in pink, i could start IMing the fantastically beautiful boy sitting across from me even though we don't know each other (yet).

at least we got facebook.

new morning

2009-11-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

big changes coming to the blog.

as soon as i stop being so lazy.

in the meantime, check out this awesome picture of my room mate & me:

vibes and stuff

2009-07-25T10:35:00.001-07:00

school starts up in a month & i'm really not ready. like..at all.
i'm signed up for 2 classes that i don't even need, but the ones i needed are full. i have to officially change my major. i have to take a lot of math. i don't like school.
on top of that i have to move out of one parent's house and into the other's. which i'm excited for of course, but moving is also a chore and i realized i have a lot of stuff and clothes and things and a cat.
but here is where i am really losing it:
i miss my missionary tom.
but i also miss my ex boyfriend cory.
and i miss my best friend jimmy.
who is partially responsible for making cory my ex.
and cory is partially responsible for making jimmy not hang out with me.
did i mention i miss tom?
i don't say this very often because i generally prefer the company
of gentlemen over ladies. but. boys are so dumb.

my first child

2009-07-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

on july 14 2008, i was a much different person than i am on july 14 2009.
i was about 20 pounds smaller and had just gotten the cast on my broken wrist replaced, much to my dismay. despite my injury i was enjoying spending the summer with tom, getting ready for my senior year, and awaiting the arrival of morgan.
morgan.
on july 14 2008, morgan wasn't here yet. but i already felt a bond with him. i felt him kick when he was still in tasha's belly and i loaned my surround sound headphones to his parents to make sure he would come into this world listening to the good stuff. i had never really been around babies a lot but i knew i liked them and i was definitely excited for this one to get here.
i don't like to get church-y on the blog (or really ever) but a few weeks prior to morgan's birth my dad had given me a blessing to try to help me out with some back to school anxiety (among other things). and in it he mentioned a connection that i would have with this new baby, and from that moment on i did feel a little bit like he was just my little guy.
throughout this past year i've felt like i had a lot more downs than ups. it was a little harder than i anticipated to say goodbye to tom, school provided more stress and challenges than i was prepared for, and it's been difficult for me to connect with people. but since his first day, morgan has made me happy. i can always make him smile, he lets me feed him and hold him even when his parents are around, he stops fussing when i sing to him, and he is always excited to see me. even people who don't know me very well (but especially those who do) tell me how obvious it is that i'm crazy about that little boy.
he was my first nephew and the first baby on either side of the family. everybody was already excited for him to come into the world, but i don't think any of us knew just how much we were missing before he came around.
so what i'm trying to say, is that morgan was one of the best things to ever happen to me. and probably his parents. and this first year watching him grow and learn and turn into the sweet little person he already is has been pretty amazing. and i'm so excited for every year to come.

nasty.

2009-07-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

sometimes i'm embarrassed for what other people do.

just curious..

2009-07-13T17:20:00.001-07:00

i can't help but wonder how gerard butler can go from doing movies like this..

and this..

and then be in movies like these.

problems.

2009-05-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

i get stressed out when boys smell girls' hair on tv and think it's all romantic.
because if a boy did that to me in real life, he would be grossed out.
i never wash my hair.

a cause des garcons

2009-04-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

this is my brother logan pretending to murder me at thanksgiving this past year.

this is my brother christopher trying to make me eat a ring pop at easter dinner on sunday.

i can't imagine a life without brothers.

pink moon.

2009-03-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

weird stuff has been happening lately. i wondered if there was a full moon and sure enough tonight there is.

today at work an old guy came behind my register (which customers really aren't supposed to do), completely invading my very non-negotiable personal space, to throw away an ink cartridge. then he leaned towards me and said "the place blows up in 5 minutes, get outta here." and then he left!
sometimes i really do feel like i'm taking crazy pills.

well it's true.

2009-02-19T15:56:00.001-08:00

the naming of things.

2009-02-13T22:44:00.001-08:00

it's officially valentine's day. i think it's kind of a silly holiday, because love is not just for lovers. now we all know that if tom were here i would likely be singing a different tune, but this year on valentine's day i'm thinking of the other things i love. granted, i still love this guy:

but i also love my friends who have been so supportive and understand through a pretty rough patch:

and i love my family, and would rather hang out with them than just about anyone in the world:
particularly i love my nephew, who cries when i leave the room and smiles when i sing to him and who has more good in his little soul than anybody i've ever known:
and i love riding my bicycle. i don't do it as much as i should or as i would like, but i do so enjoy a good bike ride:
and i love my cameras. there aren't many things that i love as much as photography. i feel confident and happy when i'm taking pictures and i don't think i will ever have too many cameras..
i know it's just a little handful of things..but it's those little things that get everyone through the day anyway. i miss tom so much i can barely function sometimes, but i as far as having a heart completely full of love goes, i think i'm doing alright.

why i love the internet.

2009-02-08T19:58:00.001-08:00

because you can find videos of zach condon in paris at night singing a grizzly bear song.

it's your birthday, darling.

2009-01-30T13:52:00.000-08:00

today is emily's birthday. even if she wasn't my sister, emily would probably still be one of my favorite people in the world.
she's smart and creative and makes funny jokes and always dances in the car.
she's just about the coolest sister ever (tied with katie, of course), and i'm going to let the whoooole blogosphere know that i love emily more than pretty much anyone.
happy birthday poopface!

so this is the new year.

2009-01-03T00:08:00.000-08:00

smell you later 2008. you brought me an amazzzzing nephew but then you sent my boyfriend to the other side of the world. you started my senior year of high school and you took care to make sure it sucked thus far. you brought me a lovely sister in law. you got me my first grown up-ish job. you started and ruined some friendships. you sent me to california with thomas and you broke my wrist. you dyed my hair black. you made a lot of mistakes.
hello 2009. you introduced yourself on thursday and promised to finish out this school year much better than 2008 started it. you said you'll move me into my first place and start me out in college. your beginning brings me closer to seeing tom again. you are about to give me nephew #2. i have a good feeling about you.

you are my pearl.

2008-12-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

dear morgan:
you are not even 5 months old and already you make people around you happier than you even know.

let's get some shoes.

2008-11-21T14:32:00.001-08:00

this is enough to make anyone's day:

4 new, comfy pairs of shoes. plus the original but kinda thrashed pink guys.

sure did

2008-11-12T08:52:00.001-08:00

just buy 5 pairs of these in 5 different colors.

decent days and nights.

2008-11-11T13:59:00.000-08:00

if you're ever curious why i love my family so much, it's largely because of things like this:

obamawesome.

2008-11-05T18:46:00.000-08:00

i'm pretty happy with the result of the election.
blah blah blah nobody wants to read another blog about politics blah blah blah i'm too young to know anything anyway. whatever.
emily and my dad said it more eloquently and from both sides of the spectrum anyway.

my boys.

2008-11-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

this is how my ride up to kaysville with my brothers started.
then they got hold of my camera and the rest of my roll of film looked like this:

i can't imagine growing up without these boys around.

one month down. 23 to go.

2008-10-30T22:45:00.001-07:00

the meandhim is a foreign thing to me.

i never before loved anyone the way that i love him
before him, love was always right from the start,
more of a determination -- i'm going to love this person
so i do.
and it would ebb and flow
up and down
but at a steady, calm pace.

then, it would shrink
and shrivel.

with him though
it's an ascent.
to more.
slowly at first
gradually at first
unsure
happy, but carelessly unsure

but then there became more and more trust each time i held his hand
my hand seemed to fit more surely into his

my hand resting more surely on his chest
feeling for his heartbeat

desperately grasping at first
listening with my palm.

now
with him
love is different

once my hand got comfortable--
accustomed to his rhythmic beat
the contractions

the inhales and exhales of his heart--
the slow-paced steadiness i'd always known vanished.

the love doubled.
it tripled on itself.

like running up a hill--
my legs burn
i'm out of breath

my heart won't slow
the atriums and ventricles expand
and expand

i can't see the top of the hill
of our ascent
and i don't even care to look.
maybe there isn't a top

(my cynicism melts to hope)

i keep running up
faster and faster
i love him more with each leap

and keep drinking the more.
he gives me the more
i keep letting it expand and pulse

i don't need to understand the meandhim.
it is foreign.

the meandhim just is.
and it's right.

8 full hours of sleep.

2008-10-28T14:04:00.001-07:00

i have been super sad lately. last night it all sort of got to me and i declared myself unfit for school today. this worked out nicely because not only was my little burrito morgan coming for the day but so was logan! so my day has looked mostly like this:and this:
so even though i have to work in an hour and i'm still stressed about pretty much everything, i'd say missing school was totally worth it.

wonderlust king.

2008-10-19T18:51:00.000-07:00

lately i'm kind of obsessed with this guy.

mj.

2008-10-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

my mom has bright red hair and she invites everybody she meets to please come to dinner sometime soon. she always has sodas in the fridge. she makes sure you write thank you notes for everything. she knows about architecture and books and how to dress age-appropriately. she understands the occasional need to stay home from school, whether it's stress or sickness or just one of those days, but also the importance of getting work done.
so today is jayne's birthday and she is out doing what she loves the most and that is visiting with various friends and children. while i haven't yet developed her affinity for gardening or decorating a room or not being awkward around new people, she has managed to get me to enjoy reading and to appreciate art and to never leave the house in sweatpants.
which, if you ask me, is pretty important.
happy birthday jaynie pants!

lost and weird.

2008-09-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

i saw this on postsecret and it basically summed up how i've felt this week, and how i imagine i'll be feeling for a while until i get into a new routine.
i went out with some good friends last night and had more fun than i've had in a while. we just sat and talked and laughed all night and i forgot about feeling sad and lonely. it was a much needed night of comfort and drinks and good conversation.
but the truth is, i'm having a hard time making sense of myself without thomas.

missing.

2008-09-25T16:57:00.001-07:00

yesterday, this boy left for the missionary training center. i won't see him for 2 years. i've known him about that long and haven't spent more than a week or so without him since then.
it's really great that he's doing this, i'm totally happy for him, and i know that it's an important time for both of us.
but right now, it just. really. sucks.

this is what has been going on lately.

2008-08-31T11:45:00.000-07:00

this is why i love when emily asks me to play with her hair:
this teapot from world market maybe doesn't look like a teapot:this is definitely the cutest little face in the world, especially in mid-yawn:
this is why i love the google search suggestions:
this is not a well-thought out brand name:

satisfaction.

2008-08-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

even though the rest of my room looks like this:
this is pretty satisfying:

awesome.

2008-08-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

thanks for the link, emily.

18

boring.

2008-07-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

i am a super boring person. this is something i've discovered recently and i'm even so boring that i've just accepted the fact rather than tried to change it. but i've also discovered that i can make myself sound sort of interesting.
but here is proof that i really am a little bit of a snoozefest.
(i found this on my cousin's blog. one of those "fill it out and send it around" things. i had to indulge.)

JOYS:
1. doing laundry.
2. playing dominoes.
3. snow.

FEARS:
1. spiders.
2. horses.
3. failure.

GOALS:
1. lotoja.
2. grow my bit of long hair so i can braid it.
3. clean my room.

COLLECTIONS/OBSESSIONS:
1. cameras.
2. cats.
3. fabian cancellara.
i'll let you guess what i collect and what's an obsession.

RANDOM FACTS:
1. one side of my ribcage has an extra bit. i call it crazy rib.
2. i have a cousin on my dad's side that i didn't know about.
3. my boyfriend and i have 10 cameras between us and only 2
of them are digital.

recipe for a bad mood.

2008-07-14T08:35:00.001-07:00

take 1 pair of earbuds and let your cat eat them.
take your replacement pair and lose them.

take your new camera and forget where you put it.

have cat puke on your floor.

accidentally use warm water when you brush your teeth.

you'll be fuming in no time.

distance makes the heart grow fond.

2008-07-10T22:41:00.000-07:00

come september, my heart will live here:

(vina del mar, chile)

but the rest of me has to stay here:
(salt lake valley)

update.

2008-07-01T22:01:00.001-07:00

this is my broken wrist. i fell off my bike.
art cred goes to tom.

this is my kitty. we hang out a lot.

this is a really unflattering picture of tom & me.

this is why i love living in utah.

this is the first nishiki bike besides my own that i have ever seen.

this is why i like riding the train.

now back to my hiatus.

titles are dumb sometimes.

2008-04-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

i've been kind of avoiding writing anything because i don't have much to say. but i was reading my sister katie's blog and she said perfectly how i feel:

"It's a strange feeling when you read your own words and it doesn't seem like you even know the person who wrote them... I was disappointed at how normal I used to sound and how mopey I have been as of late."

i know how that goes.

hit me baby one more time.

2008-03-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

my sister emily posted a blog recently with her top 25 (narrowed down to 10, actually) most played songs on itunes. so i took a look at mine:

1. those anarcho punks are mysterious/ against me! (27)
2. carolina/ ben gibbard (26)
3. sunshine/ g. love & special sauce (25)
4. new slang/ the shins (22)
5. between the bars/ metric (18)
6. candy shop/ andrew bird's bowl of fire (15)
7. pints of guinness make you strong/ against me! (14)
8. thrash unreal/ against me! (14)
9. heretics/ andrew bird (14)
10. frontier psychiatrist/ the avalanches (14)

to clarify, there are only 554 songs currently in the library, and probably 50 of them are my mom's christmas albums.
that means i only listen to about 504.
anyway, i'm always looking for something new to listen to, so i'm officially open for suggestions.

the science of sleep, round two.

2008-03-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

woodrow wilson had a sheep named old ike who chewed tobacco.
i didn't think sheep liked tobacco.

i think my sleeping habits are split evenly between those of a 5 and 85 year old.
some nights i want to stay up soooo late, just to see how long i can go. but by around 11.30, i'm pooped and i give up.
and some nights i crawl into bed around 9.00 and even though i'm still tired the next morning (because you can sleep for days on end as a high school student but you are perpetually sleepy.), i am the envy of all my friends.
the older you get, the cooler it is to go to bed early.
("man, i fell asleep at 8 last night!" "no way! i'm so jealous.")
to be honest, i hate staying up late. somehow i manage to do it almost every night, just hanging around. sort of doing homework. constantly eying my bed. i'm not even doing anything useful.
so here i am, 11.26 pm. the 5 year old in me says "come oooon!! let's stay up all night. it'll be so much fun. fun fun fun." (but these days fun is actually replaced by homework.) the 85 year old says "go to bed, you. and drink lots of milk because we don't want osteoporosis."
i guess tonight i'll listen to the 85 year old because the 5 year old is getting bored and sleepy too.
(however, now i've been thinking, maybe i am just an 85 year old at heart. i have the 'crazy cat lady' thing down, i wear old people shoes, and i don't especially like loud noises. but this is a thought for another day.)
and now 20 minutes later, i'm definitely going to listen to old lady elizabeth.
i'm hoping next time i stay up late i do something even remotely productive.

what do you got if you ain't got love?

2008-01-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

some things i love.

-my cameras. it's like having very tidy, very quiet children who do nothing but make art (science: take note). every one of them is different, but each is quite spectacular in its own way. i think photography is 15% talent, 10% camera, and 75% camera-photographer relationship. seriously.

-when my mom puts marshmallows in hot chocolate. it's not that i enjoy the actual marshmallows so much as i enjoy that she still thinks to put them in, because in my single-digit years i regarded mallow-less hot chocolate as pointless. i think i developed this trait from my brother. anyway, it's nice to know little things like that never change.

-sleeping with a heating pad. no, seriously. thanks to the worst stomach ache in the history of the world, i fell asleep with a self-timing heating pad that turns itself off before setting the bed afire. while the tummy ache lasted all of a half hour, the heating pad is still in my bed. mainly because it keeps my whole bed warm, but it also keeps my cat in bed all night, which adds even more heat into the equation. i now sleep in a sort of elizabeth sandwich, in which (hahah.) i sleep on the heating pad and the snuggly, furry cat sleeps on me. you wouldn't believe how comfortable it is. it's no wonder i'm late to school every day.

-'if you ain't got love'/ mason jennings.
i really wish i knew how to link to songs. because,
this is daaaaaarling.

finally, i love that it's 10.30 and i get to go to bed because i have my homework done. mostly. like 90% of it.
hey. it's a start.

songs i have been listening to a lot lately.

2007-12-22T20:33:00.000-08:00

killer's creek/ mason jennings.

long way home/ tom waits.

between the bars/ elliott smith.

you remind me of home/ ben gibbard.

how low/ against me!

flashback.

2007-10-27T07:24:00.000-07:00

exactly one year and several hours ago, i made, quite possibly, the best decision ever.

i met a really great boy, who became my very best friend instantly. we stayed up late talking pretty much every night, we hung out every day, and i was closer to him than i had ever been to a friend. i kind of thought he had a crush on me. to which all my other friends responded "duh."
i felt terrible, because i was interested in someone else, who wasn't really ever that nice to me. and my newfound best friend was always there when i felt sad.
one night, 27 october 2006, this friend of mine came to visit me at my dad's house. one of my friends had a crush on one of his friends, so we brought some people together to see if sparks could fly. my two friends were going to meet us somewhere, so to kill time the boys & i went to the coffee house nearby. we all laughed and drank and i sat there thinking "these boys are awesome. and look at him, he is my best friend!! i love him so much!" and i really did. at that moment, i was so in love with that boy.
eventually we met up with the girls, and it was decided to watch a movie at someone's house. because we are all mature high school students, and it was only october, the clear decision for a movie was elf. we all sat around in the tv room, and i sat next to the boy. he put his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. which, by the way, is still the most adorable thing he's ever done. and at that moment, i pulled out my phone and sent a text message to maddie, who was actually sitting in front of me.
"i think i want to kiss tom. "
"do it!! you guys are so cute & he likes you so much."
"i'll think about it."
pretty soon, it was time for the boys to go back home. they drove me back to my dad's house, and being the nicest boy in the world, tom walked me to the door. we stood looking at each other for a few seconds, and he said "well, have a good night."
"come here."
i stood on my toes, put my hands on his face, and totally laid one on him.
i stepped back.
smiling more, he said it again. "have a good night."
"you too." smooch. "night!"

the next several months consisted of one or the other of us not knowing if this is what we wanted, blah blah blah, let's complicate our lives more than necessary, blah blah.
but through all the stupidity and confusion, i loved him more every single day.
and he's remained my best friend.
eventually, the realization hit us both that we hate being apart, and that there couldn't be anyone in the world better suited for either of us.

and with that, i'm gonna go celebrate my anniversary.

top 5 things i love at this very moment.

2007-10-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

this very moment being friday, 26 october, 2007, 8.35am.
(in no particular order.)

-cinnamon toast crunch.

-late start fridays.
(school starts at 9.30 instead of 7.30!)

-the feeling you get in your stomach when you're so excited for something.

-the way natasha pushes her head into my hand when i pet her.

-thomas. =]

purely psychosomatic.

2007-10-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

this is what is currently on my mind:

-i wonder if it stings hulk hogan's nose when he bleaches his mustache.

-i really don't like eisley. but 'combinations' is the sweetest song ever.

-i'm starving.

this is what should be on my mind:

-homework.

-homework.

-no fun whatsoever.

-homework.

in other news, i got a debit card today. look who's growing up & stuff.

they say time heals everything,

2007-09-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

but i'm still waiting.

there will be days of peace.

2007-09-04T20:41:00.001-07:00

i don't feel like writing a super long blog. but this is what is currently on my mind:

-i love the rain. it makes everything so much healthier, cleaner, and more peaceful. and i love the smell of rain on pavement. everything about rain is beautiful.

-i think the inventor of temporary tattoos is a terrible person. i don't know what led me to believe it would be a good idea to put one on today, but i have since come to my senses and can't seem to remove it, this metallic bulldog bearing the words 'hood hound'.
in my defense, it really was funny at the time. but now, seriously, gah.

-'i will be there when you die' (/my morning jacket) can make me cry within the first few notes. and i mean really cry. not the usual "aww this song is sad, sniffle sniff." but heaving shoulders, loud sobs, big gasps, wailing, red-faced, absolutely pathetic cry. the kind that should in theory only exist in very unhappy children, but in fact also resides in my heart when this song comes on. (i don't even know why, the lyrics aren't really that bad.) there are actually a few that do that to me these days. but this takes the cake, for now.

-but, also, 'when u love somebody' (/fruit bats) is one of the sweetest songs ever recorded.
"when you love somebody it's hard to think about anything but to breathe."
and ohh, how true that is.

i guess i have a lot of nothing on my mind.

i was the one worth leaving.

2007-09-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

i hate when i don't know how to say what i want to say.
lately i've been listening to 'the district sleeps alone tonight' by the postal service.
(sorry i don't know how to link to songs.)
and lately it has a lot more meaning than it's had in the past.

basically, the song is about feeling out of place, like you don't belong where you always have.
and realizing that maybe everyone around you is moving on, and you're the one who can't.
like maybe things would be ok if you could accept that they're changing, but you're afraid because you don't know how they'll turn out. and you just want things to go back to the way they were. and you're sick of everything changing but you can't do anything about it. and you're really trying to be happy, but sometimes everything hits you at once and you break. and you should stop wallowing in self-pity all the time, but at this point you don't know how to fix yourself. nobody seems to understand how hard it is to not know where you're supposed to be, and you know where you want to be, and you can't figure out why you're not there if it's what makes you happy. nobody seems to understand why you have to get so scared and why you can't just deal with it. and you can't seem to tell everyone that you're trying as hard as you can to work everything out and it can be exhausting. and you just want everything and everyone to be ok, even if it means pretending that it already is, regardless of how much it hurts for a while.

i guess that's a lot of meaning to get out of a song. but that's what it said to me, anyway.

20 questions!

2007-08-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

i know. these are usually pretty stupid. but i do a lot of them, and i found this on my friend's blog, and the questions are actually kind of meaningful. so i figured, hey, i got nothin to do.
and it took me a good long time to think about these answers, so maybe read them. and fill them out yourself, if you're so inclined.

1. if you could sum your life in a metaphor what would it be?
-an elevator.

2. what is the last book that you read that stuck with you for a while after you read it?
-fight club. granted, i just finished it last week. but it certainly makes one think.

3. who is the last person you kissed and under what circumstances?
-the person was thomas. the circumstances were that he was going back to his house.
so i walked him to the door and we kissed outside. and as they have been from the start,
and as they will be forever, his kisses are perfect.

4. what are five songs that define your life right now?
-'thought i'd have learned'/ the band of annuals.
'speak easy'/ maria taylor.
'a minor incident'/badly drawn boy.
'when u love somebody'/ fruit bats.
'adrian'/ mason jennings.

5. do you believe in a higher deity?
-i really do. it's how i make sense of everything.

6. what is your favorite simpson's episode?
-oh goodness. i don't even remember the rest of the episode. but the beginning, where
bart is being stalked by this white dog....i practically pee my pants every time i see it.

7. truth: absolute or relative?
-absolute.
8. what do you see yourself doing in 5 years?
-making myself happy. whether it's with school, a job, a mission, or a wedding.
i want to be successful, or in the process of making myself successful, in life.
9. what are your thoughts on taking drugs?
-illegally? against it. i've seen it ruin lives that meant something to me.
legally, though, i'm all for it, if you have some control.

10. free will or determinism?
-i think both. obviously you choose what you do every day, but
i think there's something that sways you to choose one way or another.

11. can love be reduced/explained by brain chemistry and if so, does it matter?
-partially, maybe. i'm sure that has something to do with love, but in reality,
i think we don't know a thing about why love works like it does. it's something
that can't be seen or measured.

12. what is your favorite movie of all time?
-i won't lie. it's moulin rouge. i like the story, and the music.
and i like all the memories i have attatched to it.

13. what are your favourite 3 books?
-the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. about a boy.
harry potter and the chamber of secrets.

14. what are the top 5 shows you've ever been to and what was so great about them?
-keane. favorite band, amazing performance.
of montreal. i went with my brother, and we had pure unadulterated fun.
the futureheads. those boys can dance.
maria taylor. she's a great performer, and tom sang to me too. =]
ben kweller. first concert. he sang 'happy happy joy joy' to me. seriously.

15. if you had to choose one, would you describeyourself as an optimist or a pessimist?
-i'd like to think optimist. i generally lean towards pessimism, but i think in the end,
i try to find the good in things.

16. what does 4 a.m. feel like to you?
-terrible. 4 a.m. is meant for sleeping. peaceful, comfortable sleep.

17. are you happy?
-yes. not 100%. but i am happy. i have nice things, amazing family, wonderful friends.
and the most amazing boy in the world. my life isn't perfect. but it's quite lovely.

18. did you have any dreams last night and if so, describe one:
-last night? i don't remember. i've been having some crappy ones lately, though. =[

19. how do you feel about geriatric euthanasia?
-honestly? i'm for it, if they're for it. if someone is in such pain, and are at an age
where nothing can really be done for them, they should have the chance to end it peacefully, rather than waiting for death. i think it can be calming for the family to know that the person they cared about had control over their suffering, and was able to go when they were ready.

20. what are you afraid of?
-spiders. airplanes. failure. rejection. math. horses. heartbreak.
things that i've dealt with that hurt too much to go through again.

yussssssssssss.

2007-08-12T19:35:00.001-07:00

i think when you find someone who will sit on the bathroom floor with you
when you think you're gonna puke, you've probably found the one.

everything looks perfect.

2007-07-22T13:56:00.000-07:00

i love sundays. i don't quite know why. maybe it's because from the time i was little i've been told that 'sunday is a special day.' or maybe it's because sunday is the day in the week when i literally let loose and eat an obscene amount of food. whatever it is, i just enjoy sundays.
so, i decided to compile a list of a few other things that i just love.
[in no particular order]

-cuddling. whether it's with a sleeping kitty or a sleepy boy, there's nothing like holding someone who loves you, who needs you, & who wants to be near you. bonus points if it's cold & they are warm.

-songs with a really good intro. you know what i'm talking about. a song that gets you within the first few seconds. and if you don't know what i'm talking about, i recommend listening to 'killer's creek' by mason jennings.
also, 'such great heights', which remains to be perhaps my favorite song ever. those first few beats put me at absolute peace with the world, and remind me of everything that will always make me happy.

-laughing. of any kind. i love to laugh so hard that i can't breathe, and then i snort, which makes everyone else laugh, so i laugh even harder. but i also love every variety of laughing; giggling, out loud, so hard you cry, etc. which is funny, because to be honest, i rarely really laugh. and then when i think about it, i practically hyperventilate, worrying that i'll never think something is funny again. but then i see or hear something and i'm in stitches for a good 15 minutes longer than everyone else.

-grapes. sort of random, i know. but i'm sitting here with a bowl of grapes in my lap and they are so delicious. and they're a happy little fruit. it's like they're telling me "yeah, we're totally healthy, and we're not gonna make you sick if you eat too many. so go crazy." although i have eaten almost this whole bowl, so maybe i should ease up.

-kissing. yep. i'm saying it for all the world (or all the 4 people who read my blog). i love kissing. but i've never been able to understand why some people like to kiss so many different people. i guess because the thing i love most about smoochin' is the familiarity. there's something reassuring & comfortable about knowing that the person i've been kissing is the person i will be kissing probably forever, and there's no getting used to anything. i know how it goes. he knows how it goes. and it's lovely.

i realize this is all a random bunch of things. and there are obviously more than 5 things that i love unconditionally. but these were just some on my mind. i think i'll make more lists of various things. because there's another thing i love, making lists. so get used to it. =]

the tummy theory.

2007-06-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

when i am feeling low, i have many remedies. usually depending on the severity of my case. i talk to friends, i listen to good music, that sort of thing. and all of these things help, quite a bit. but there is one thing that will cure any ailment.

i have what i call a healthy and what others call a creepy relationship with my cat. you all know this. there is a lot of love between us. granted, i often want to throw her out a window when she rips up paper and spreads it around my room, or when she whines at the door for food, only for me to walk through the entire house and find her bowl full. but most of the time, it's one big snugglefest.
her tongue is rough, but she licks the tears off my face.
her claws are sharp, but when her little paws are pressed on my feet when we sleep at night, i know it's love.
and this is why few things, if anything, can lift my spirits like
laying next to my kitty and burying my face into her tummy.

sweet sixteen.

2007-06-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

the difference between fifteen and sixteen is huge. which is weird, because most of my friends turned sixteen way before me, and it wasn't a big deal. i never felt inferior or anything. (not true: any time i have to hitch a ride from one of my friends with a car, i feel like a complete idiot.)
and every friend who turned sixteen before me never seemed different than they did the day before, when they were still fifteen. even molly ringwald didn't seem any different in sixteen candles.
i think it's more of an internal change. sixteen is when you really start to feel like an adult. obviously you're still living at home, and your elders still make a lot of your decisions. but there's so much more freedom and responsibility.
and i don't even think that's why i feel so different. at fifteen, i had a pretty good idea of who i was. the clothes i liked to wear, the music on my ipod (which reminds me, today is also my one year anniversary of having an ipod.), the people i wanted to be around. but now, at sixteen, everything just seems to fall into place. i definitely know what my style is. i know who my friends are, and whose influence/opinion matters to me. i guess....i don't know. this feels like a whole new chapter of my life, and i'm pretty sure it's going to be awesome.

oh, it is love.

2007-04-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

hello sick day.
i realized something. there are few connections in my life stronger than the one i have with my cat, natasha. that sounds ridiculous. and i actually am quite close with a lot of people. but my relationship with natasha is different than what other people share with their pets.
natasha and i have been together a long time. about 6 years now. she has seen me through every breakdown and the times when i'm happiest. and all she knows is that she is mine. i'm the one who feeds her, who plays with her, who talks babytalk to her (much to the irritation of those around me). and so with me is where her loyalties lie. she sleeps on my bed with me, usually near my face so she can nuzzle my cheek with her nose. she sits on my lap when there are people around. she comes when i call her. she is always by my side.
this morning, for example. i am pretty sure i was about to pass out from stomach pains. so i didn't go to school. instead i've been laying in bed whining. but there was natasha, curled up next to me, occasionally looking at me and licking my nose.
she licks tears off my face when i cry for any reason at all.
she misses me when i'm away.
and she loves me. no matter what. and sure, the only reason for that is probably because it's me who feeds her. but i don't care. the fact is, for whatever reasons, it is, in fact, love. and true love lasts a lifetime. =]

tiny avalanches.

2007-03-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

sometimes a person says something that they just thought was the right thing to say. nothing epic, just a simple response to whatever you said. but in those few words, you can't help but just smile. they didn't say anything that will change your life. they didn't say something that fixes every problem you've ever had. all they did, was say something simple and sincere. it's just the fact that someone cares enough to say anything at all.

everybody hurts.

2007-03-18T12:50:00.000-07:00

i love to see strangers cry. that sounds weird. and i guess it is. but i have good reasoning.

there are some days when i feel empty, lost, alone, exhausted, etc. i see people at school or in cars or in the grocery story and wonder if they know i'm going to go home and cry in my bathroom. and i wonder if that's what they're about to do too.

everybody has crappy days. and for the most part, everyone has their own group who know about the bad days. but as far as the rest of the world goes, nobody knows about the breakdowns, the times when nothing goes right, the times when we can't help but collapse into a friend's arms and cry. and it's times like that when it can't be possible that anyone in the world feels as bad as you.

and that's why i love to see strangers cry. i see countless people every day. some with regularity, but generally there are always new faces. i don't know anything about them. i doubt they know anything about me either. but we all have things to deal with. we all have people to stand by us. so when i see someone cry at school, on the street, the airport, etc., i think about what their problem is, who's helping them through, and how wrapped up in everything they are that they don't see the strangers watching sympathetically, wondering if they should help.

basically, when i see strangers cry, it pulls me out of the feeling that i'm alone, or that anybody is ever really alone. everyone around has their own bag of issues. everyone breaks down. everyone cries. everyone hurts. i wonder if everyone thought about what the people around them go through, if we would all hurt a little less.

office space, anyone?

2007-03-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

pretty sure it really happened.

soul mates.

2007-03-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

i always thought of a soul mate as the person you are going to marry.
it makes sense. but maybe the whole 'one person for everyone' isn't just about marriage.
this is the part where i sound like an idiot for not remembering, but i thiiiiiiiiink it was
aristotle? socrates? crap. i can't think. anyway, it was one of those fellas who said that
you're born with half of your heart. and somebody else has the other half. so there is
one person out there who can complete your soul. and i've always loved that. it's so nice.
but i always thought about it as "there is one boy out there who i will grow up and marry
and he's going to be the only person in the whole wide world for me" and this is probably true.
but what if that's not what aristocrates meant by someone having half of your heart.
case in point? my best friend thomas.
this boy completes my soul. he is the one who makes me whole,
who makes me happy, who makes me everything i want to be.
there is no one who will compare to him.
does that mean he's the one i will grow up and marry? i sure don't know.
but it does mean that he's the one i'll always want around.
no matter how my life plays out, he's the one i need to make sense of it all.
he has my heart. and whoever comes in and out of my life, he's the one who completes me.
ily, tom. bff. =]

dear paul smith of maximo park.

2006-11-15T15:01:00.000-08:00

i am very much in love with you:

and i like when you make faces like this:

and i like when you jump like this:

i especially like when you make faces whilest jumping:

and i won't deny that i'm fond of your comb-over:

oh, it is love.

happy birthday, kathryn.

2006-10-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

so my oldest sister had a birthday yesterday.

i'm pretty sure katie is one of the most amazing people
anyone could ever know.
i've been sitting here for probably 15 minutes
trying to list all the reasons why she's so amazing.
but honestly, there are too many.

(although to name a few, she served a mission,
graduated college, worked for the olympics,
she travels, she runs marathons, she has a
career and she's good at what she does, she has
killer taste in music, books, art, etc., she's
totally a social butterfly, her blog is probably
a million times cooler than mine,
i mean really the list goes on and on.)

if i'm half as beautiful, successful, independent,
and smart as my sister by the time i'm 30,
i'd be pretty well off.
so i guess all i need to say is
happy birthday katie,
and thank you for being so effing rad. :]

oh natasha.

2006-10-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

reasons why my cat is better than most people these days:

-she's just so adorable.

- she will always love me, regardless of
how stupid i usually am.

- she doesn't care what i look like or what i'm into.

- she will always cuddle with me.

- she can't talk and therefore will not
give me attitude or tell me what i'm doing wrong.

- she's forgiving if i make a mistake.

- she can tell when i'm upset, and cheers me up
by licking my hand and curling up in my lap.

- she needs me. she absolutely needs me.
if i were not here she would not survive.
and it's nice to know i'm needed. :]